The Beginning

I always thought I was not an artist. Growing up it appeared I didn’t have that skill or talent. 

Several years ago, I took a drawing class. While my drawings were basic, with each one I grew and felt that I had some talent. That piqued my interest, wondering what else I could do.

Locally, there was an oil painting class, but it met on Wednesday mornings during work hours. When I was downsized from my job in December 2019, I decided “now is my time to try oil painting.” I thought if I didn’t like it, I could stop; at least I gave it a shot. Receiving a canvas and oil paints for Christmas, I embarked to my first class with a blank canvas in hand.

I sat at my easel not even knowing where to start. The instructor came by and said, “go ahead and start.” Having told him I never oil painted before, he gave me a set of materials to purchase and said to just start putting something on the canvas. And so, I did. After a few classes, I had my first painting – a beach with a seagull in the foreground. I am proud of it! It was a start!

Two months later, the pandemic came. After it was evident we were not coming back to class any time soon, I decided to continue on my own with the blessing of some suggestions via email from that same art teacher.

When I look back at that first painting, I think about “enhancing” it to make it better. I decided not to do that so I can show myself how far I’ve come in my art. So, it is hung on a basement wall next to other paintings I’ve completed since then.

When I choose a new topic to paint, I try to do something different. When I have challenges with the subject, I start to question whether I really have the talent. “Can I really paint this?” “What if I’m not really that good?” When I get the background done, I hesitate and freeze. Sometimes I start on the main subject and sometimes I let it sit, thinking I cannot do it. Then after some time, I sit at my easel and continue, remembering to “just paint.” 

I surprise myself but am critical of each painting. Even though others may think a painting is very good, I still see flaws in each one or something I want to change. I guess that is the nature of an artist.

It got me thinking. Maybe this process is a metaphor for all of life. As children, we may be led to believe we cannot do something. As adults, maybe we still hold that belief.  But sometimes we can take a leap of faith and change that narrative, trying new things, broadening our interests, talent and intellect and expanding within ourselves. Hopefully we find “guides” along the way who help and share their gifts with us, helping us to discover our own.

I still question myself in more than just painting.  What if I’m not “enough?” Our culture says we must match something we see in a magazine or TV or be like someone else. Or if someone doesn’t hold the same beliefs as mine, they must be wrong.

Maybe we can change the narrative.

Copyright © Kathy Fountaine (image and text)